Amusements – Page 20 – The Moreton Pinkney Picayune

21 August 2022 – Amusements

A real woman is a man’s best friend. She will never stand him up and never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day. She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret. She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires. She will make sure he always feels as though he’s the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible man alive.

No wait…sorry. I am thinking of scotch. It’s scotch that does all that.

14 August 2022 – Amusements

I couldn’t decide whether to go to Salt Lake City or Denver for vacation, so I called the airlines to get prices. “Air-fare to Denver is $300,” said a cheery salesperson.

“And what about Salt Lake City?”

“We have a really great rate to Salt Lake–$99.00, but there is a stopover.”

“Where?” I asked.

“Denver.”

7 August 2022 – Amusements

The minister’s wife was a wonder at conserving food and rarely had to throw away a bit of it. At one meal she gave her pastor husband nothing but leftovers that the parson viewed with great disdain. He began to pick at the food, causing his wife to say, “Dear, you forgot the blessing.”

“Listen, sweetheart, if you can show me one item that hasn’t been blessed at least two times, I can’t see what another prayer can do for it.”

31 July 2022 – Amusements

A British friend of mine once found himself at a dinner party sitting next to an attractive American woman. The conversation turned to cricket, and the woman asked my friend to explain the game.

He agreed and embarked on a lengthy explanation of the mysteries of “silly mid-on,” “fine-leg,” “googly,” “Chinaman” and the like.

At the end he sat back, exhausted. The woman looked at him, shaking her head in wonderment, “That really is remarkable. And to think they do it all on horseback.”

24 July 2022 – Amusements

A boy, frustrated with all the rules he had to follow, asked his father, “Dad, when will I be old enough to do as I please?”

The father answered immediately, “I don’t know, son. Nobody has lived that long yet.”

17 July 2022 – Amusements

A weeping woman bursts into her hypnotherapist’s office and declares, “Doctor, I have been faithful to my husband for 15 years, but yesterday I broke that trust and had an affair! The guilt is killing me. I just want to forget that it ever happened!”

The hypnotherapist shakes his head and says, “Not again…”

10 July 2022 – Amusements

A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with your husband. The women were asked, “How many of you love your husband?” All the women raised their hands.

Then they were asked, “When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?”

Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn’t remember.

The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband: “I love you, sweetheart.”

The women were then told to exchange phones with another person, and to read aloud the text message they received, in response.

Here are some of the replies:

1. Who the hell is this?
2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?
3. Yeah, and I love you too. What’s up with you?
4. What now? Did you wreck the car again?
5. I don’t understand what you mean?
6. What the hell did you do now?
7. You’re kidding, right?
8. Don’t beat about the bush; just tell me how much you need?
9. Am I dreaming?
10. If you don’t tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.
11. I thought we agreed you wouldn’t drink during the day.
12. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn’t she?

3 July 2022 – Amusements

A senior citizen drove his brand-new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. Amazing, he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear-view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring.

He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, what am I doing? I’m too old for this, and pulled over to await the trooper’s arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, “Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I’ve never heard before, I’ll let you go.”

The old gentleman paused. Then he said, “Years ago, my wife ran off with a state trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.”

“Have a good day, sir,” replied the trooper.

26 June 2022 – Amusements

One day, an employee received an unusually large pay check. She decided not to say anything about it.

The following week, her check was short the overpayment she received the previous week. So, she confronted her boss about it.

“How come,” her boss inquired, “you didn’t say anything when you were overpaid?”

Unperturbed, the employee replied, “Well, I can overlook one mistake – but two in a row is getting unacceptable!”

19 June 2022 – Amusements

At Sunday school they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam’s ribs.

Later that day his mother noticed him lying down, curled up on the floor as though he were ill. She said, “Johnny what is the matter?” Little Johnny responded, “I have a pain in my side. I think I’m gonna have a wife!”