Category: Amusements

30 October 2022 – Amusements

The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.  

“What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?” asked the officer.  

“I’m going to a lecture.”  

“And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?” the cop asked.  

“My wife.”  

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23 October 2022 – Amusements

Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one. On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish.  

He told the fish salesman, “Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you?”  

“Why do you want me to throw them at you?”  

“Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them.”  

“Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange roughy.”

“But why?”  

“Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to get the roughy. She prefers that for supper tonight.”  

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16 October 2022 – Amusements

This originally came from my father:

MURPHY’S OTHER LAWS

  • Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
  • A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
  • He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
  • A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
  • Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
  • Nothing is fool proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
  • The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.
  • It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.
  • The things that come to those who wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
  • Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
  • Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
  • The shin bone: a device for finding furniture.
  • When you go into court, you are putting yourself into the hands of 12 people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.
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9 October 2022 – Amusements

Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A blonde lady walked by and asked what they were doing.

“We’re supposed to find the height of the flagpole,” said Bubba, “but we don’t have a ladder.”

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement & announced, “Eighteen feet, six inches,” and walked away.

Junior shook his head and laughed. “Ain’t that just like a dumb blond? We ask for the height, and she gives us the length.”

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2 October 2022 – Amusements

This is truly a heart-warming story about the bond formed between a little girl and some construction workers. This makes you want to believe in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the human race.

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a dollar.

The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the dollar pay she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.

The little girl proudly replied, “I worked all last week with a crew building a house.”

“My goodness gracious,” said the teller, “and will you be working on the house again this week, too?”

The little girl replied, “I will if those useless sons-a-bitches at Home Depot ever bring us any drywall that’s worth a shit!”

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28 August 2022 – Amusements

The Edinburgh Fringe has been on for the past couple of weeks and every year someone produces a “Best One-Liner” from the festival. Here are this year’s top 10:

10 funniest jokes of the Fringe festival 2022

1. I tried to steal spaghetti from the shop, but the female guard saw me and I couldn’t get pasta – Masai Graham (52%)

2. Did you know, if you get pregnant in the Amazon, it’s next day delivery? – Mark Simmons (37%)

3. My attempts to combine nitrous oxide and Oxo cubes made me a laughing stock – Olaf Falafel (36%)

4. By my age, my parents had a house and a family, and to be fair to me, so do I, but it is the same house and the same family – Hannah Fairweather (35%)

5. I hate funerals. I’m not a mourning person – Will Mars (34%)

6. I spent the whole morning building a time machine, so that’s four hours of my life that I’m definitely getting back – Olaf Falafel (33%)

7. I sent a food parcel to my first wife. FedEx – Richard Pulsford (29%)

8. I used to live hand to mouth. Do you know what changed my life? Cutlery – Tim Vine (28%)

9. Don’t knock threesomes. Having a threesome is like hiring an intern to do all the jobs you hate – Sophie Duker (27%)

10. I can’t even be bothered to be apathetic these days – Will Duggan (25%)

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