Amusements – Page 18 – The Moreton Pinkney Picayune

15 January 2023 – Amusements

A big city New York lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, “I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I’m going into retrieve it.”

The old farmer replied. “This is my property, and you are not coming over here.”

The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own.”

The old farmer smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three Kick Rule.”

The lawyer asked, “What is the Texas Three Kick Rule?”

The farmer replied, “Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up.”

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer’s shin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick landed square on the man’s nose. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer’s third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, “Okay, you old coot, now it’s my turn!”

The old farmer smiled and said, “Naw, I give up. You can have the duck.”

8 January 2023 – Amusements

All of these witticisms came from Penny’s sister J – thanks!

Billion dollar idea. A smoke detector which shuts off when you yell, “I’m just cooking!”

I’ve been watching my weight. It’s still there.

I’m in a WalMart parking lot watching a woman who can’t remember where she parked her car. Everytime she holds her remote in the air, I honk my horn.

It turns out that when you’re asked which is your favourite child, you’re supposed to pick one of your own. I know that now.

At my age rolling out of bed is the easy part. Getting off the floor is a whole other story.

One thing no one ever talks about when it comes to being an adult, is how much time we debate keeping a box because, it’s, you know . . . a really good box.

Being a little older I am very fortunate to have someone call and check on me each day. He is from India and he is very concerned about my car warranty.

Nothing spoils a good story like the arrival of an eyewitness.

Anyone remember the good old days before Facebook, Instagram and Twitter? When you had to take a photo of your dinner, then get the film delivered, then go around to all your friends’ houses to show them the picture of the dinner? No? Me neither.

I grew up living paycheck to paycheck, but through hard work and perserverance I now live direct deposit to direct deposit.

Do you sometimes feel like your body’s check engine light has been on and you’re still driving it like, “Nah, it’ll be fine.”

When I say “the other day,” I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.

A giraffe’s coffee would be cold by the time it reached the bottom of its throat. Ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.

I’ve reached that point in my life where my brain goes from, “You probably shouldn’t say that,” to “What the heck, let’s see what happens.”

Brain: I see you are trying to sleep. Can I offer you a selection of your worst memories from the last 10 years?

I choked on a carrot this afternoon and all I could think of was, “I bet a donut wouldn’t have done this to me.”

If a woman says, “Do what you want,” DO NOT DO WHAT YOU WANT. Stand still. Do not blink. Don’t even breathe. Just play dead.

How to parallel park: 1) Park somewhere else.

The biggest lie I tell myself is, “I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it.”

I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game.

You drop something when you were younger and you pick it up. When you’re older and you drop something, you stare at it for a bit contemplating if you actually need it anymore.

We keep a potato masher in a drawer because it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.

I don’t now how to use TikTok, but I can write cursive, do long division and tell the time on clocks with hands. So, there’s that.

I saw a sign in a store window which reads, “We treat you like family.” Yup, I’m not going in there.

25 December 2022 – Amusements

Christmas Etiquette

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they’re serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it’s rare. In fact, it’s even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can’t find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It’s not as if you’re going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It’s a treat. Enjoy it Have one for me. Have two. It’s later than you think. It’s Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That’s the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they’re made with skim milk or whole milk. If it’s skim, pass. Why bother? It’s like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people’s food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year’s. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you’ll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don’t budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the centre of attention. They’re like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you’re never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don’t like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it’s loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don’t feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven’t been paying attention. Reread all tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

18 December 2022 – Amusements

Part of my job as a 911 dispatcher is to interrogate callers who are in various states of panic so I can send the appropriate emergency equipment.

One day a woman called to say that a family member had fallen and needed to go to a hospital. After finding out where she lived and assuring her that the paramedics would arrive shortly, I asked her, “Do you know what caused the fall?”

“No,” the woman nervously replied. “What?”

11 December 2022 – Amusements

I think we’ve had these before . . .

A young Scottish lad and lassie were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, and just gazing out over the loch.

For several minutes they sat silently, then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, “A penny for your thoughts, Angus.”

“Well, uh, I was thinkin’ perhaps it’s aboot time for a wee kiss.”

The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

After a while the girl spoke again. “Another penny for your thoughts, Angus.”

“Well, uh, I was thinkin’ perhaps its aboot time for a wee cuddle.”

The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

After a while the girl spoke again. “Another penny for your thoughts, Angus.”

“Well, uh, I was thinkin’ perhaps its aboot time you let me poot me hand on your leg.”

The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her leg. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

After a while the girl spoke again. “Another penny for your thoughts, Angus.”

The young man knit his brow. “Well, now,” he said, “my thoughts are a bit more serious this time.”

“Really?” said the girl in a whisper, filled with anticipation.

“Aye,” said the lad.

The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.

Angus blurted out, “Din’na ye think it’s aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?”

4 December 2022 – Amusements

When I was a 20-something college student, I became quite friendly with my study partner, a 64-year-old man, who had returned to school to finish his degree. He confessed, with a wink, that he had once thought more than friendship might be a possibility between us.

“So what changed your mind?” I asked him.

“I went to my doctor and asked if he thought a 40-year age difference between a man and woman was insurmountable. He looked at my chart and said, ‘You’re interested in someone who’s 104?!'”

27 November 2022 – Amusements

After years of wondering why he didn’t look like his younger sister or brother, a young man finally got up the nerve to ask his mother if he was adopted.

“Yes, you were son,” his mother said as she started to cry softly. “But it didn’t work out and they brought you back.”

20 November 2022 – Amusements

Out in space two alien forms are speaking with each other.

The first spaceman says, “The dominant life forms on the earth planet have developed satellite-based weapons.”

The second alien, who looks exactly like the first, asks, “Are they an emerging intelligence?”

The first spaceman says, “I don’t think so. They have them aimed at themselves.”

13 November 2022 – Amusements

A man was marooned on a desert island for five years. One day a beautiful woman arrived in a wet suit.

“When did you last have a smoke?” she asked.

“Five years ago,” said the man.

She pulled a Cuban cigar out of her wet suit and he smoked it.

She unzipped her wet suit a bit and asked, “When did you last have a drink?”

“Five years ago,” he said.

She pulled a bottle of 20-year-old Scotch out of her wet suit and gave it to the man who had a drink.

She unzipped her wet suit a bit more and said, “And when was the last time you played around?”

The man looked at her in amazement. “You’re not telling me you’ve got a set of golf clubs in there?”

6 November 2022 – Amusements

Every Friday afternoon, a mathematician goes down to the bar, sits in the second-to-last seat, turns to the last seat, which is empty, and asks a girl who isn’t there if he can buy her a drink.

The bartender, who is used to weird university types, always shrugs but keeps quiet. But when Valentine’s Day arrives, and the mathematician makes a particularly heart-wrenching plea into empty space, curiosity gets the better of the bartender, and he says, “I apologize for my stupid questions, but surely you know there is NEVER a woman sitting in that last stool. Why do you persist in asking out empty space?”

The mathematician replies, “Well, according to quantum physics, empty space is never truly empty. Virtual particles come into existence and vanish all the time. You never know when the proper wave function will collapse and a girl might suddenly appear there.”

The bartender raises his eyebrows. “Really? Interesting. But couldn’t you just ask one of the girls who comes here every Friday if you could buy HER a drink? Never know –she might say yes.”

The mathematician laughs. “Yeah, right — how likely is THAT to happen?”