Amusements – Page 22 – The Moreton Pinkney Picayune

20 March 2022 – Amusements

A park ranger in the Everglades was making his rounds a couple of summers ago when a woman came bolting out of the weeds right in front of his truck. She seemed frantic and he finally got her calm enough to say that her five-year-old son was sitting on the back of an alligator.

Now the ranger was frantic. Running in the direction she was pointing he found the lad astride a twelve-foot male alligator which was trying to relieve itself of its load by twisting and snapping. As the brave ranger moved in, he tried to console the mother by saying, “I think I can grab the boy and move away before the gator moves. Be ready to grab your son. I may have to shoot the gator.”

To which the lady replies “Good Heavens, no! Don’t shoot him. I just wanted you to make him hold still for a minute so I could take my son’s picture on his back.”

13 March 2022 – Amusements

A Moscow man turns up at a newsstand and buys a newspaper. He glances at the front page and throws it away.

The next day he turns up and buys another newspaper. He glances at the front page and throws it away. The next day, same thing. And again, day after day.

Finally, the newspaper seller asks, “Why do you buy a newspaper every day, glance at the front page and then throw it away?”

“Oh, I’m looking for an obituary.”

“But the obituaries aren’t even on the front page!” the newspaper seller says.

“Oh, the one I’m looking for will be.”

6 March 2022 – Amusements

A man went to the movies and was surprised to find a woman with a large collie sitting in front of him. Even more amazing was the fact that the dog always laughed in the right places through the comedy.

“Excuse me,” the man said to the woman, “but I think it’s astounding that your dog enjoys the movie so much.”

“I’m surprised myself,” she replied. “He hated the book.”

27 February 2022 – Amusements

We’ve had this before but what the heck . . .

A young couple honeymooning in Las Vegas were down to their last two dollars. The groom told the bride that he had a feeling that he could turn the two bucks into a fortune if he went down to the casino alone.

Once in the casino, he put one dollar each into two slot machines and won Jackpots on both totalling $10,000. He then played blackjack for an hour until he had $50,000 in chips. Next, he played poker and upped his winnings to $100,000.

He was about to cash in his chips when he got a hunch that his luck hadn’t run out. So, he took all his money and placed it on Black at the roulette table, hoping to double his money. But the ball came up Red. He returned to his hotel room.

“How did you do?” asked the bride.

The groom shrugged and said, “I lost two dollars.”

20 February 2022 – Amusements

The banana loaf I was making was in the oven when my 16-year-old came into the kitchen where the family had gathered.

“That bread smells about done don’t you think, Mom?” he asked.

I told him I had set the timer and it still had five minutes.

A little later he repeated his suggestion. “Mom, I really think that loaf is done. Maybe you should check it.”

Always quick to come to my defence, my 13-year-old son said, “Eddie, Mom’s been burning that banana bread for 20 years now. I think she knows when to take it out.”

13 February 2022 – Amusements

This from my friend Julie:

Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, “Did Santa get you that?”

“Yes,” replies the little girl.

“Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!” and fines her £5.

The little girl looks up at the cop and says, “Nice horse you’ve got there, did Santa bring you that?”

The cop chuckles and replies, “He sure did!”

“Well,” says the little girl, “Next year tell Santa that the dick goes under the horse, not on top of it!”

6 February 2022 – Amusements

A customer moves away from a bank window, counts his change, and then goes back and says to the cashier, “Hey, you gave me the wrong change!”

“Sir, you stepped away from the counter,” said the cashier. “We don’t make corrections after you leave. There’s nothing I can do about it now. That’s the policy of this bank.”

“Well, ok,” answered the customer. “Just thought you’d like to know that you gave me an extra twenty. Bye.”

30 January 2022 – Amusements

Neighbors of ours had a terrible disagreement over a patio they wanted for their backyard. The wife had rather grand ideas, while the husband wanted costs kept to a minimum. The wife won out, and the construction bill climbed higher and higher.

I dropped by one day, when the patio was near completion, and was surprised to find the husband smiling from ear to ear as the workmen smoothed over the surface. I remarked how nice it was to see a grin replace the frown he had been wearing lately.

“You see where they’re smoothing that cement?” he replied. “I just threw my wife’s credit cards in there.”

23 January 2022 – Amusements

A 17-year-old girl came home with five job applications. She carefully filled them out, and later asked her mother to look them over.

All the answers were clear and concise and she noticed that on all five applications, under “Previous Employment”, she had listed “Baby-sitting”.

But then she read, under “Reason for Leaving” her daughter had answered, “Parents came home.”

16 January 2022 – Amusements

A new report says that dogs can sniff out prostate cancer with almost 98 percent accuracy. The report also finds that cats can sniff it out with 100 percent accuracy but they prefer to watch you die.