Category: Amusements

A man walks out on his front porch one day and sees a gorilla in the tree on his front lawn. He calls animal control and an hour later a man shows up with a ladder, a pit bull, and a shotgun.

The animal control employee tells the man, “I’m here to get the gorilla out of your tree. I’m going to use this ladder to climb up the tree and shake the branch the gorilla is on to knock him to the ground. The pit bull is trained to go after anything that falls from the tree and bites their testicles which paralyzes the animal with pain so I can lock him in the truck.”

The man says, “Okay, I see what the ladder and the pit bull are for but what is the shotgun for?”

The animal control employee says, “Oh, that’s for you. In case I fall out of the tree instead of the gorilla, shoot the dog.” Continue reading “30 July 2017 – Amusements”

A young boy was looking through some old family photos and asked his mother, “Who is the guy on the beach with you with all the muscles and curly hair?”

“That’s your father.”

“Then who’s that man who lives with us now?” Continue reading “23 July 2017 – Amusements”

Hunter was 5-years-old and was staying with his grandfather for a few days. He was playing outside with the other kids when he came into the house and asked, “Grandpa, what’s it called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?”

His Grandpa was a little uncomfortable with the question, but he decided honesty was the best policy. “Well, Hunter, that’s called sexual intercourse.”

“Oh,” Little Hunter said, “OK,” and went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said, “Grandpa, it isn’t called sexual intercourse. It’s called bunk beds. And Jimmy’s mom wants to talk to you.” Continue reading “16 July 2017 – Amusements”

The person sitting next to me on a flight was a woman. Ever the charmer, I used one of my pick-up lines on her.

I asked, “Does the airline charge you extra for sitting next to good-looking men?”

“Yes,” she replied, “but I wasn’t willing to pay.” Continue reading “9 July 2017 – Amusements”

I think we’ve had this before?

My wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables from the market. I went and looked around and couldn’t find any.

So I grabbed a harassed and tired looking employee and said, “These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?”

The produce guy looked at me and said, “No, sir, you’ll have to do that yourself.” Continue reading “2 July 2017 – Amusements”

A genie came to me and asked, “What’s your first wish?”

I answered, “I wish I was rich!”

“OK.” said the Genie. “What’s your second wish, Rich?” Continue reading “25 June 2017 – Amusements”

This from my friend Julie:

People often complain about the police, but you rarely hear about the positive things they do, such as this incident involving a biker and a frozen carburetor.

Last January on a bitterly cold winter’s day, a North Dakota State Trooper on patrol came upon a motorcyclist who was stalled by the roadside.

The biker was swathed in heavy protective clothing and wearing a full-face helmet to protect the face from the cold weather.

“What’s the matter?” asked the Trooper

“Carburetor’s frozen,” was the muffled, terse reply.

“Pee on it. That’ll thaw it out.”

“I can’t,” mumbled the biker.

“OK, watch me closely and I’ll show you.” The Trooper unzipped and promptly warmed the carburetor as promised.

Moments later the bike started and the rider drove off, waving.

A few days later, the local State Troopers office received a note of thanks from the father of the motorcyclist. It began: “On behalf of my daughter Jill…” Continue reading “18 June 2017 – Amusements”

Manning the computer help desk for the local school district was my first job. And though I was just an intern, I took the job very seriously. But not every caller took me seriously.

“Can I talk to a real person?” a caller asked.

“I am real,” I said.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” the caller said. “That was rude of me. What I meant to say was, could I talk to someone who actually knows something?” Continue reading “11 June 2017 – Amusements”

A little boy was waiting for his mother. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, “Son, can you tell me where the Post Office is?”

The little boy replied, “Sure! Just go straight down this street two blocks and turn to your right.”

The man thanked the boy kindly and said, “I’m the new pastor in town. I’d like you to come to church on Sunday. I’ll show you how to get to Heaven.”

The little boy replied with a laugh; “You’re kidding me, right? You don’t even know the way to the Post Office.” Continue reading “4 June 2017 – Amusements”

I’m not the easiest guy in the world to get along with. So when our anniversary rolled around, I wanted my wife to know how much I appreciated her tolerating me for the past 20 years. I ordered flowers and told the florist to enclose a card that read, ‘Thanks for putting up with me so long.’

When my wife got the delivery, she called me at work.

“Just where do you think you’re going?” she asked.

“What do you mean?” I said.

She read the card aloud as the florist had written it: “Thanks for putting up with me. So long.” Continue reading “28 May 2017 – Amusements”