Category: Amusements

My cooking has always been the target of family jokes. One evening, as I prepared dinner a bit too quickly, the kitchen filled with smoke and the smoke detector went off. Although both of my children had received fire-safety training at school, they did not respond to the alarm.

Annoyed, I stormed through the house in search of them. I found them in the bathroom, washing their hands. Over the loud buzzing of the smoke alarm, I asked them to identify the sound.

“It’s the smoke detector,” they replied in unison.

“Do you know what that sound means?” I demanded.

“Sure,” my oldest replied. “Dinner’s ready.” Continue reading “30 April 2017 – Amusements”

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighbourhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end.

At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter. Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger co-worker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.

As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.

Gasping for breath, she replied, “When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I’d better run too!” Continue reading “23 April 2017 – Amusements”

Even though we’ve had this one before, it seems particularly appropriate in these wacky political times in which we find ourselves:

Five surgeons are having drinks together at a surgical convention and making jokes.

The first, a Florida surgeon, says: “I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.”

The second, a Michigan surgeon, responds: “Yeah, but you should try electricians. Everything inside of them is color coded.”

The third, a California surgeon, says: “No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside of them is in alphabetical order.”

The fourth, a New York surgeon, chimes in: “You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.”

But the fifth, from Washington D.C. shut them all up when he observed, “You’re all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There’s no guts, no heart, no brains, no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable.” Continue reading “16 April 2017 – Amusements”

A local charity had never received a donation from the town’s banker, so the director made a phone call. “Our records show you make $500,000 a year, yet you haven’t given a penny to charity,” the director began. “Wouldn’t you like to help the community?”

The banker replied, “Did your research show that my mother is ill, with extremely expensive medical bills?”

“Um, no,” mumbled the director.

“Or that my brother is unemployed? Or that my sister’s husband left, leaving her broke with four kids?”

“I … I … I had no idea.”

“So,” said the banker, “if I don’t give them any money, why would I give any to you?” Continue reading “9 April 2017 – Amusements”

My sister explained to my nephew how his voice would eventually change as he grew up.

Tyler was exuberant at the prospect.

“Cool!” he said. “I hope I get a German accent.” Continue reading “2 April 2017 – Amusements”

A woman and her 12-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings.

“Mom,” said the boy, “what are all those women doing?”

“They’re waiting for their husbands to get off work,” she replied.

The taxi driver turns around and says, “Geez lady, why don’t you tell him the truth? They’re hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money.”

The little boy’s eyes get wide and he says, “Is that true Mom?”

His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers “Yes.”

After a few minutes the kid asks, “Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them?”

She said, “Most of them become taxi drivers.” Continue reading “26 March 2017 – Amusements”

I think we may have had this before . . .

A prospective juror in a Dallas District Court was surprised by the definition of voluntary manslaughter given the panel: “An intentional killing that occurs while the defendant is under the immediate influence of sudden passion arising from an adequate cause, such as when a spouse’s mate is found in a ‘compromising position.'”

“See, I have a problem with that passion business,” responded the jury candidate. “During my first marriage, I came in and found my husband in bed with my neighbor. All I did was divorce him. I had no idea that I could have shot him.” Continue reading “19 March 2017 – Amusements”

A married fellow gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

“What’s up?” he asks.

“I’m having a heart attack,” cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he’s dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, “Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted’s hiding in your closet and he’s got no clothes on!”

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.

“You bastard!” says the husband. “My wife’s having a heart attack, and all you can do is run around the house naked scaring the kids?” Continue reading “12 March 2017 – Amusements”

A man is sitting in the coach section of a flight from New York to Chicago biting his finger nails and sweating profusely. Noticing his disturbed expression, a flight attendant walks over and says, “Sir, can I get you something from the bar to calm you down?”

The man gives a nod of approval while shaking terribly. She comes back with a drink and he downs it quickly. Ten minutes later, the flight attendant sees the same man shaking and biting his nails. She brings him another drink which he swallows immediately.

A half hour later she returns to see that the man is shaking uncontrollably, and apparently crying. “My goodness,” the flight attendant says, “I’ve never seen someone so afraid to fly.”

“I’m not afraid of flying,” says the man sobbing loudly, “I’m trying to give up drinking.” Continue reading “5 March 2017 – Amusements”

To the irritation of the judge, a man was trying to be excused from jury duty. “Tell me,” began the judge, “is there any good reason why you cannot serve as a juror in the trial?”

The man replied, “I don’t want to be away from my job that long.”

“Can’t they do without you at work?” demanded the judge.

“Yes,” admitted the juror. “But I don’t want them to realize it.” Continue reading “26 February 2017 – Amusements”