I told you we would be away this weekend – so what are you hanging around here for? We’re off in the Campervan hiding somewhere in deepest, darkest East Sussex hoping to avoid all potential for contagion from the King’s coronation. A 15th/16th century institution pretending to have some relevance to the 21st century.
Continue reading “7 May 2023”7 May 2023 – Amusements
Paraprosdokians (Winston Churchill loved them) are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected, frequently humorous.
1. Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on my list.
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right–only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
9. I didn’t say it was your fault; I said I was blaming you.
10. In filling out an application, where it says, ‘In case of emergency, Notify:’ I put ‘DOCTOR.’
11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they are sexy.
12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
13. I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure.
14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
15. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
16. You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
17. I’m supposed to respect my elders, but it’s getting harder and harder for me to find one now.
30 April 2023
It’s been a relatively good week. We’ve had some lovely, clear bright and sunny days but it has been a bit on the “fresh” side to say the least. It’s supposed to be getting warmer this week so let’s keep our fingers crossed.
Continue reading “30 April 2023”30 April 2023 – Amusements
A woman was chatting with her next-door neighbour. “I feel really good today. I started out this morning with an act of unselfish generosity. I gave twenty dollars to someone who was needy and down on his luck.”
“Twenty whole dollars? That’s a lot of money to just give away. What did your husband say about it?”
“He said, ‘Thanks.'”
Continue reading “30 April 2023 – Amusements”23 April 2023
And, we’re back! We had a splendid four days in the Lake District where the weather was excellent, the scenery was spectacular and the company was passable.
Continue reading “23 April 2023”23 April 2023 – Amusements
A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, “Are you allergic to anything?”
He replies, “Yes, caffeine. I can’t drink coffee.”
“Ok, have you ever been in the military service?”
“Yes,” he says, “I was in Iraq for one tour.”
The interviewer says, “That will give you 5 extra points toward employment.” Then he asks, “Are you disabled in any way?”
The guy says, “Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles.”
The interviewer grimaces and then says, “Okay. You’ve got enough points for me to hire you right now.
“Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day.”
The guy is puzzled and asks, “If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don’t you want me here until 10:00 am?”
“This is a government job,” the interviewer says. “For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.”
Continue reading “23 April 2023 – Amusements”16 April 2023
I guess this is the definition of “Sod’s Law.” We’ve had friends to visit this weekend and last night we were out at the RSC theatre in Stratford to see the production of Hamnet.
Continue reading “16 April 2023”16 April 2023 – Amusements
In the hospital where I work, the quality of meals offered in the employees’ cafeteria is a source of aggravation. Once I watched two young surgeons approach the serving line.
After reading the posted menu and looking over the dishes displayed, one doctor turned to the other and remarked, “No doubt about it, this calls for a culinary bypass.” And they left.
Continue reading “16 April 2023 – Amusements”9 April 2023
What an excellent Easter weekend. Indeed, the whole week’s been pretty decent – some excellent bright sunny days at the beginning of the week, a bit of rain in the middle and an astonishingly gorgeous weekend. What’s not to like? The blossom is beginning to show in the orchard so we very much hope the clear skies don’t lead to any hard frosts – if we do get a hard frost the greengage will be decimated. It’s the first blossom out and the tree is covered!
Continue reading “9 April 2023”9 April 2023 – Amusements
Two rural church deacons were having a sociable beer in the local tavern when they saw their minister drive by and take a good long look at their pickup trucks parked outside.
One deacon ducked down and said, “I hope the reverend didn’t see us or recognize my pickup.”
The other replied indifferently, “What difference does it make. God knows we’re in here… and he’s the only one who counts.”
The first deacon countered, “Yeah, but God won’t tell my wife.”
Continue reading “9 April 2023 – Amusements”