The Moreton Pinkney Picayune

18 June 2023

And, we’re back again. I hope you enjoyed your week off as much as we did. We had a splendid weekend with friends on the south coast, a sweltering visit to a very impressive National Trust property, a great meal out and an excellent and highly amusing evening’s entertainment at the Brighton Dome. What more could anyone want?

18 June 2023 – Amusements

Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up.

As the evening draws to a close, Roberts looks around and asks, “Now, who is going to tell the wife?” They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don’t make a bad situation any worse than it is.

“Gentlemen! Discreet? I’m the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me.”

Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, and asks what he wants. Rippington says, “Your husband just lost $500 playing cards.”

She hollers, “TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!”

Rippington says, “I’ll tell him.

4 June 2023

A very busy, almost hectic, week! Weather’s been good, especially at the end of the week when we’ve had lovely blue skies, sunshine and moderately decent temperatures. There is one individual in our household who does occasionally “complain” about how hot it is. And, just to be clear, that’s neither Daisy nor me.

4 June 2023 – Amusements

The secret of enjoying a good wine is to open the bottle to allow it to breathe. If it doesn’t look like it’s breathing, give it mouth-to-mouth.

28 May 2023

What a great week it’s been! Some very pleasantly decent weather – largely sunny with reasonable temperatures – a garden club outing as well as a musical interlude and, today, birthdays galore! As usual, I’m not sure I can stand the pace. Thankfully, the hammock has been erected in its summer place in the orchard and, I can assure you, it is still as comfortable as ever.

28 May 2023 – Amusements

A young man entered the local Tasty Freeze and asked, “What kind of ice cream do you have?”

“Vanilla, chocolate, strawberry,” the girl replied, wheezing as she spoke and patting her chest and seemingly unable to say much more.

“Do you have asthma or laryngitis?” the young man asked sympathetically.

“Nope,” she whispered, “just vanilla, chocolate and strawberry.”

21 May 2023

It’s been a decent enough week – a fair bit of sunshine and tolerably respectable temperatures. We’ve even had the bi-fold doors and skylights open a couple of times. Lovely.

21 May 2023 – Amusements

After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, “That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home and I wanted to stay with you guys.”

14 May 2023

And, we’re back! Again. Having successfully avoided (most of) the coronation – a couple of doddering, tipsy old-age pensioners at a fancy dress party. Taking the piss. Utterly pointless.

14 May 2023 – Amusements

An old man walks into a bar, sits down, and starts crying.

The bartender asks, “What’s wrong?”

The old man looks at the bartender through teary eyes and between sobs says, “I married a beautiful woman two days ago. She’s a natural blonde, twenty-five, intelligent, a marvellous cook, a meticulous housekeeper, extremely sensitive to my wants and needs, very giving, my best friend, and intensely passionate in bed.”

The bartender stares at the old man for a brief moment and says, “But that sounds great! You have what every man wants in a woman, so why are crying?”

The old man looks at the bartender and says, “I can’t remember where I live!”