Greg's Occasional News & Views
Showing his friend around his home, Fred started to point out all of the collectibles he and his wife had acquired over their long years of marriage.
“The day before I die, I’d like to sell every piece we’ve got just to see how much it’s all worth.”
“But you couldn’t possibly know the day before you were going to die, so how could you sell it.”
“Simple… If I sell it, my wife would kill me!” Continue reading “11 August 2019 – Amusements”
Good week on the whole – we baby sat one of our favourite canine companions for an over-nighter while his parents were away, there’s been good progress on the building, we are close to a resolution of the Mystery of the Missing Medications, the Conservatives lost a by-election and now have a working majority of just one and, although we had some genuinely crappy weather in the early part of the week, the picture has steadily improved with some warm sunshine towards the end of the week. We must be grateful for small mercies.
Continue reading “4 August 2019”My friend asked his father-in-law, a crop duster, how his day had gone.
“I had just the worst day,” replied the man. “This morning I was up in my plane dusting a field when I nicked a power line and damaged the wing on the plane. When I got back to the office, my boss chewed me out. Then the guy from the FAA chewed me out.
“On my way home, I stopped at a bar and was handed a warm beer. So I yelled at the bartender, ‘Don’t you have any cold beer?!’
“The bartender said, ‘Sorry, but we’ve been out of electricity all day ever since some idiot crop-duster hit a power line down the road.'” Continue reading “4 August 2019 – Amusements”
Scorcio! A blisteringly hot week with temperatures reaching 38o C (just over 100o F). Don’t worry folks, there’s nothing to see here – climate change is just fake news.
Continue reading “28 July 2019”Recently, I bought a cartridge for my printer. It came in a box mounted on a card and wrapped in plastic. When I took it apart, I found that the printer cartridge itself was actually quite small, but they made the packaging unnecessarily large to make it harder to steal and to make the customer feel better about the high price.
I pointed this out to my wife and mentioned how my weight gain over the years of our marriage should have the same effect: It made me seem more valuable and also made me harder for other women to steal.
She’s still laughing. Continue reading “28 July 2019 – Amusements”
Oh, it’s been a busy, chaotic yet productive week in Moreton Pinkney. We survived the village fête, the plumber has been and carried out his first fix and the builders arrived on Wednesday to start the Great Break Through! We are now thoroughly covered in dust and look forward to spending the next couple of months in a similar state of messiness! Oh, the joy.
Continue reading “21 July 2019”I’d just come out of a Supermarket with a roasted chicken, French fries, large chips, and a 12 pack of beer.
A poor homeless man sat on the curb and said to me as I passed by, “I haven’t eaten for two days!”
I told him, “That’s great. I wish I had your will power.” Continue reading “21 July 2019 – Amusements”
Another decent week – what are the chances of that? A bit grey and muggy on a couple of days but reasonably sunny and warm otherwise. Long may it continue.
A car full of Irish nuns are sitting at a traffic light in down town Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them. “Hey, show us yer teets, ya bloody penguins!” shouts one of the drunks.
Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, “I don’t think they know who we are; show them your cross.”
Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, “Piss off, ya fookin’ little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!”
Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, “Did that sound cross enough?” Continue reading “14 July 2019 – Amusements”
Having complained for weeks about our crappy weather I guess I must commend it when it proves to be delightful. So, just to set the record straight, we have had some gloriously sunny days over the past week with the occasional scorcher of a day thrown in. Lovely.
Continue reading “7 July 2019”