24 March 2019 – Amusements

Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.

She said, “You were drunk again last night weren’t you?”

Flynn said, “Why you say such a mean thing?”

“Well,” Mary said, “it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly…..it’s all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror. Continue reading “24 March 2019 – Amusements”

10 March 2019 – Amusements

A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text;

“If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.”

He replied, “I am on the toilet. Please advise.” Continue reading “10 March 2019 – Amusements”

3 March 2019

Good week, bad week. Rather like the good cop, bad cop interrogation methods sometimes employed against hardened criminals, this week’s weather was similar – good (bordering on great) weather for the first part of the week (records were broken!); a reversion to normalcy from Thursday onwards with the usual cooler temperatures, rain and gale force winds. 

Continue reading “3 March 2019”

3 March 2019 – Amusements

A FEW SIMPLE RULES FOR HAPPY LIVING:

Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.

Avoid arguments with women about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

For high blood pressure sufferers – simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.

A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. You’ll be afraid to cough.

You only need two tools in life – WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn’t move and it should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn’t move and it does, use the duct tape.

If you can’t fix it with a hammer, you’ve got an electrical problem.

Daily thought: Some people are like Slinkies…not really good for much but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs. Continue reading “3 March 2019 – Amusements”

24 February 2019 – Amusements

A man invites his friend back home for dinner. The wife pulls him into the bedroom and hisses at him, “I haven’t fixed my hair, done my make-up, I haven’t even done any housework much less cook any dinner! Why the fuck did you invite him around for?”

“Because he’s thinking about getting married.” Continue reading “24 February 2019 – Amusements”