You are all familiar, I imagine, with the expression that one waits for ages for a bus and then three come along at once? That’s rather like our social calendar this past week – we’ve waited and waited and waited for friends and neighbours to invite us for a meal and then we receive three invitations for the same week!
Continue reading “26 March 2017”26 March 2017 – Amusements
A woman and her 12-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings.
“Mom,” said the boy, “what are all those women doing?”
“They’re waiting for their husbands to get off work,” she replied.
The taxi driver turns around and says, “Geez lady, why don’t you tell him the truth? They’re hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money.”
The little boy’s eyes get wide and he says, “Is that true Mom?”
His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers “Yes.”
After a few minutes the kid asks, “Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them?”
She said, “Most of them become taxi drivers.” Continue reading “26 March 2017 – Amusements”
19 March 2017
What a splendid weekend we had last weekend – Bubble came for an overnighter which is always a blast, albeit somewhat exhausting for those of us who are not used to the continual presence and energy of young children. We played games, we read stories, we drew pictures, we played the supreme pie face challenge and then, after lunch, we did more of the same! On Sunday we ventured out to the chaos and cacophony that is the Spiceball Leisure Centre’s swimming pool – my goodness, can young children shriek! and in the echoing confines of the tiled surfaces it wasn’t long before my ears were bleeding. Continue reading “19 March 2017”
19 March 2017 – Amusements
I think we may have had this before . . .
A prospective juror in a Dallas District Court was surprised by the definition of voluntary manslaughter given the panel: “An intentional killing that occurs while the defendant is under the immediate influence of sudden passion arising from an adequate cause, such as when a spouse’s mate is found in a ‘compromising position.'”
“See, I have a problem with that passion business,” responded the jury candidate. “During my first marriage, I came in and found my husband in bed with my neighbor. All I did was divorce him. I had no idea that I could have shot him.” Continue reading “19 March 2017 – Amusements”
12 March 2017
More wind and rain but I guess that’s what is meant by “March comes in like a lion, and goes out like a lamb.” Let’s hope the lamb part turns out to be true.
We did have a goodish afternoon last Saturday so we decided, as we sometimes do, to take a stride across the countryside. When we had the dogs, of course, we were out striding every day, morning and afternoon, sunshine or rain and fine it was too. Now though, when the weather outside is howling and sheeting it down with sleet and stinging rain, it’s much more pleasant to sit by the fire and put the world to rights.
Continue reading “12 March 2017”12 March 2017 – Amusements
A married fellow gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
“What’s up?” he asks.
“I’m having a heart attack,” cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he’s dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, “Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted’s hiding in your closet and he’s got no clothes on!”
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.
“You bastard!” says the husband. “My wife’s having a heart attack, and all you can do is run around the house naked scaring the kids?” Continue reading “12 March 2017 – Amusements”
5 March 2017
Another wild and (somewhat) windy week. When Storm Doris scampered across the UK last week and went on to rampage through the Netherlands and Northern Europe, we imagined that we would now get a bit of respite from the wild and windy weather. And we did – a bit. Nothing like the wind gusts of Doris but plenty of rain and strong winds interspersed with some bright days which tried to persuade you that Spring might be hiding just around the corner. The snowdrops are out in all their glory and the daffodils are just peeking their heads above the surface – is it safe to come out yet?
Continue reading “5 March 2017”5 March 2017 – Amusements
A man is sitting in the coach section of a flight from New York to Chicago biting his finger nails and sweating profusely. Noticing his disturbed expression, a flight attendant walks over and says, “Sir, can I get you something from the bar to calm you down?”
The man gives a nod of approval while shaking terribly. She comes back with a drink and he downs it quickly. Ten minutes later, the flight attendant sees the same man shaking and biting his nails. She brings him another drink which he swallows immediately.
A half hour later she returns to see that the man is shaking uncontrollably, and apparently crying. “My goodness,” the flight attendant says, “I’ve never seen someone so afraid to fly.”
“I’m not afraid of flying,” says the man sobbing loudly, “I’m trying to give up drinking.” Continue reading “5 March 2017 – Amusements”
26 February 2017
Wow! What a weather week! Mild temperatures and “so-so” weather interrupted with a vengeance on Thursday by Storm Doris which sped across the country from west to east bringing gale force winds, some destruction, one fatality and heaps of snow in Scotland and the north. Apparently, it was dubbed a “weather bomb” where a front develops rapidly with a significant drop in pressure in a very short period of time. We escaped with no damage but the winds were so significant that we had to leave our gates open to let the breeze howl through to prevent them blowing off their fixings and dancing around the garden.
Continue reading “26 February 2017”26 February 2017 – Amusements
To the irritation of the judge, a man was trying to be excused from jury duty. “Tell me,” began the judge, “is there any good reason why you cannot serve as a juror in the trial?”
The man replied, “I don’t want to be away from my job that long.”
“Can’t they do without you at work?” demanded the judge.
“Yes,” admitted the juror. “But I don’t want them to realize it.” Continue reading “26 February 2017 – Amusements”