It’s been a pretty decent week, all told. The weather’s been half decent, we had an outing to Bubble’s Nativity production and we capped the week with a Bubbleicious Sleepover – who could ask for anything better than that? Continue reading “11 December 2016”
11 December 2016 – Amusements
I know we’ve had this before but I still like it:
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper of 20 years, Guido, has cheated him out of $10 million. Guido is deaf which is why he got the job in the first place. The Godfather assumed that since Guido could not hear anything, he could never testify in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his personal lawyer because he knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, “Ask him where the money is!”
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, “Where’s the money?”
Guido signs back, “I don’t know what you are talking about.”
The lawyer tells the Godfather, “He says he doesn’t know what you are talking about.”
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido’s head and says, “Ask him again or I’ll kill him!”
The lawyer signs to Guido, “He’ll kill you if you don’t tell him.”
Guido trembles and signs back, “OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno’s house.”
The Godfather asks the lawyer, “What did he say?”
The lawyer replies, “He says you don’t have the balls to pull the trigger.” Continue reading “11 December 2016 – Amusements”
4 December 2016
We’re back, after a very enjoyable ten day visit to the States. We visited my mother and brothers in New England for the Thanksgiving holiday and, true to form, I managed to secure two turkey dinners with all the trimmings.
Continue reading “4 December 2016”4 December 2016 – Amusements
As it’s topical . . .
Here’s a killer turkey recipe, with a foolproof self-timer. It’s impossible to mess this up. You’ll get a perfectly cooked turkey every time.
Preheat the oven to 325. Prepare the turkey, basting it with salt, garlic, butter, and black pepper. In a bowl, combine equal parts stuffing mix and popcorn. (Yes, popcorn.)
Fill the turkey’s cavity with the mixture. Lay the turkey in a greased roasting pan.
Insert the turkey into the oven, with the neck pointing inward. This is very important.
Do not concern yourself with roasting time. When the turkey’s rear end blows the oven door open, it’s done. Continue reading “4 December 2016 – Amusements”
20 November 2016
Oops! I forgot to “warn” you last week that the News will be largely (probably) non-existent for the next couple of weeks. Penelope and I are visiting the States to spend Thanksgiving with my mother and my two brothers and their respective better halves. We are comfortably ensconced in the luxurious Riverside Suite at the Switch Road B&B in Canaan from whence we shall venture out and about.
Apparently, snow is expected today so we may be here some time!
No edition next week either (probably) so we’ll see you in December.
Love to you all,
Greg
20 November 2016 – Amusements
A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, “Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It’s been flickering for weeks now.”
He looks at her and says angrily, “Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don’t think so.”
“Well, then could you fix the fridge door? It won’t close right.”
To which he replied, “Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don’t think so.”
“Fine,” she says, “Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They’re about to break.”
“I‘m not a damn carpenter and I don’t want to fix the steps,” he says. “Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don’t think so. I’ve had enough of this. I’m going to the bar!”
So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.
“Honey, how’d this all get fixed?”
She said, “Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either sleep with him or bake him a cake.”
He said, “So, what kind of cake did you bake him?”
She replied, “Helloooooo… Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?” Continue reading “20 November 2016 – Amusements”
13 November 2016
Astonishing. Simply astonishing.
One of the better comments I heard was just before the election. In last week’s “Have I Got News for You”, (a satirical topical news quiz for those who don’t know) after a round on what was then (last Friday) the upcoming presidential election, the host said, “Yes. This is the upcoming US Presidential election. Next Tuesday Americans will go to the polls to elect the worst president in history. (Slight pause) Or someone even worse.” Continue reading “13 November 2016”
13 November 2016 – Amusements
A man finds a lamp. He rubs it and a Genie emerges. The Genie tells him he will be granted three wishes. The man thinks for a moment and says, “First, give me a bottomless mug of beer.”
A mug of beer appears in his hand. He sips it once, then again and the mug is magically refilled. The man is thrilled and continues to drink. The mug never empties.
Then the Genie says, “And what about your other two wishes?”
The guy thinks for a moment and says, “Give me two more just like this one!” Continue reading “13 November 2016 – Amusements”
6 November 2016
We’ve had some excellent Autumnal weather this week – some lovely days with clear and bright blue skies and some foggy evenings. There was even a touch of ground frost on a couple of mornings. A few of the trees in the village have adopted a very festive appearance with leaves coloured more vibrantly than is often the case here. Unfortunately, I have no photos as they threw off most of their leaves in a matter of moments. Instead, I’ll share a photo from our friend Stephen White which those of you who are “friends” with him on Facebook will have already seen. Continue reading “6 November 2016”
6 November 2016 – Amusements
In the British documentary 56 Up, a man shared that he had earned a law degree at Oxford. Then, in his thick English accent, he proudly proclaimed that he was now a “barrister.”
My 13-year-old daughter wasn’t impressed. “So,” she said, “he spent all that effort getting an Oxford law degree, and now he works at Starbucks?” Continue reading “6 November 2016 – Amusements”