Sue phones her husband at work, “Dan, do you have time for a chat?”
“Sorry, darling, this is not a good time – I’m about to go into a board meeting.”
“But this won’t take long,” Sue says, “I just want to tell you some good news and some bad news.”
“I really haven’t the time,” says Dan, “so just quickly tell me the good news.”
“Oh, all right then, the good news is that the airbag on your brand new Mercedes works very well.”
Three mischievous old grannies were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home when an old man walked by.
One of the old ladies called out, saying, “We bet we can tell exactly how old you are.”
The old man responded, “There is no way you can.”
One of the women said, “Sure we can! Just drop your pants and undershorts and we can tell your exact age.”
Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn’t do it, he dropped his drawers.
They asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times.
Then they all piped up and said, “You’re 87 years old!”
Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, “How in the world did you guess?”
Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three ladies happily yelled in unison… “We were at your birthday party yesterday!”
A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish cop. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from London and is certain that he has a better education than any Irish cop.
He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Irish cop’s expense.
Irish cop says,”License and registration, please.”
London Lawyer says, “What for?”
Irish cop says,”Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign.”
London Lawyer says, “I slowed down, and no one was coming.”
Irish cop says,”Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. License and registration, please”
London Lawyer says, “What’s the difference?”
Irish cop says, “The difference is, ye havte come to complete stop, that’s the law. License and registration, please!”
London Lawyer says, “If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I’ll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don’t give me the ticket.”
Irish cop says, “Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.”
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle. The Irish cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living shit out of the lawyer and says, “Daeye want me to stop, or just slow down?”