Wet, wet, wet. Wet. Wet. Wet. Mud, mud, mud, mud. We’ve had so much rain – the fields can’t take any more. When we tromp across the fields on our daily constitutionals with Miss Daisy the ground squelches, like a heavily saturated sponge. Squelch, squelch, squelch. Is this what we have to look forward to as the climate continues to change? Hot, dry summers and wet, wet, winters with fewer and fewer freezing days and lots of mud? Hmm, I think we better phase out those fossil fuels, guys.
Continue reading “17 December 2023”Author: Greg
17 December 2023 – Amusements
I originally had this from my father some time ago:
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, “I’d like to buy some cyanide.”
The pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”
The lady replied, “I need it to poison my husband.”
The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he explained, “Lord have mercy! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband, that’s against the law! I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!”
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, “Well, why didn’t you tell me you had a prescription?”
Continue reading “17 December 2023 – Amusements”
10 December 2023
Neither “unseasonably warm” nor “unseasonably cold” this week. Just about seasonably seasonal, I guess. It has been a bit on the “fresh” side with lashings and lashings of rain. A few frosty mornings as well, which is great – Daisy only requires a quick rinse off. But, on those days when it is above freezing, we come home with a chocolate golden retriever and the poor girl has to stand under the freezing cold hose. Miserable.
Continue reading “10 December 2023”10 December 2023 – Amusements
A man goes to the doctor and reports that he hasn’t been feeling well. The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills. “Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up,” the doctor says. “Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then, just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water.”
Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers, “My goodness, Doc, exactly what’s my problem?”
Says the doctor, “You’re not drinking enough water.”
Continue reading “10 December 2023 – Amusements”3 December 2023
Well, that transitioned in a heartbeat – we’re no longer “unseasonably warm” and have gone straight into “unseasonably cold” according to the weather people. Cold, frosty mornings with below-zero temperatures under occasionally clear, bright blue skies. The frosty mornings do mean less mud and grime on the dog when she returns from a stroll but it also means that the hose is frozen so washing up afterwards is a bit of a challenge.
Continue reading “3 December 2023”3 December 2023 – Amusements
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night.
Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
“I’m 90 years old,” he says.
“90!” replies the woman. “Don’t you realize you’ve had it?”
“Oh, I have?” says the old man. “I’m sorry. How much do I owe you?”
Continue reading “3 December 2023 – Amusements”26 November 2023
Another perfectly reasonable and acceptable week – what are the chances of that? It’s still pretty wet although it hasn’t been lashing it down this week so there’s that to be grateful for. It’s continued “unseasonably warm” but the weather people are saying that’s going to end any day now. Indeed, it’s been so “unseasonably warm” that I had to drag the lawn mower out of hibernation and give the lawns yet another short, back and sides. This is crazy! We should not be needing to mow lawns in late November!
Continue reading “26 November 2023”26 November 2023 – Amusements
As it was our anniversary yesterday, I thought this was quite appropriate (and accurate).
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, “You know, I was a fool when I married you.” And the wife replied, “Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice it.”
Mrs. Pauly was sipping on a glass of wine, while sitting on the porch with her husband, and she says, “I love you so much; you’ve stood by me in good times and bad; I don’t know how I could ever live without you.”
Pauly asks, “Is that you or the wine talking?”
She replies, “It’s me… talking to the wine.”
Two builders go into the pub after a hard day’s work. They’re sat drinking for a while when a very smartly dressed man walks in and orders a drink. The two began to speculate about what the man did for a living.
“I’ll bet he’s an accountant.” said the first builder.
“Looks more like a stockbroker to me,” argued the second. They continued to debate the subject for a good while until eventually the first builder needed to use the toilet. On walking in, he saw the smartly dressed man standing at a urinal.
“Excuse me mate, but me and my friend have been arguing over what a smartly dressed fella like you does for a living?” the builder said to the man.
Smiling the man replied, “I’m a logical scientist.”
“A what?” asked the builder.
“Let me explain,” the man continued, “Do you have a goldfish at home?”
A bit puzzled, but intrigued the builder decided to play along, “Yes, I do as it happens.”
“Well then it’s logical to assume that you either keep it in a bowl or a pond. Which is it?”
“A pond,” the builder replied.
“Well, then it’s logical to assume that you have a large garden.” The builder nodded his agreement. So the man continued, “which means it’s logical to assume you have a large house.”
“I have a 6 bedroom house that I built myself,” the builder said proudly.
“Given that you have such a large house, it’s logical to assume that you are married…”
The builder nodded again, “Yes, I’m married and we have three children.”
“Then it’s logical to assume that you have a healthy sex life.”
“Five nights a week!” the builder boasted.
The man smiled a little, “Therefore it’s logical to assume you don’t masturbate often.”
“Never!” the builder exclaimed.
“Well there you have it” the man explained, “That’s logical science at work. From finding out that you have a goldfish, I’ve discovered the size of your garden, all about your house, your family and your sex life!”
The builder left, very impressed by the man’s talents. On returning to the bar the other builder asked, “I see that smart bloke was in there, did you find out what he does?”
“Yeah,” replied the first, “He’s a logical scientist.”
“A what?” the puzzled second builder asked.
“Let me explain,” the first builder continued, “Do you have a goldfish at home?”
“No” replied his mate.
“Well, you’re a wanker then!”
19 November 2023
It’s been a decent enough week, I suppose. I had lunch with a friend, Penny read with her primary school reading buddies, played bridge with her neighbouring bridge buddies, and tromped across half of Northamptonshire with Daisy and one of her dog-walking buddies.
Continue reading “19 November 2023”19 November 2023 – Amusements
A police officer was investigating an accident on a two-lane, narrow road in which the drivers had run into one another virtually head-on.
One driver, an extremely elderly woman, kept repeating, “He wouldn’t let me have my half of the road!”
After gathering as much information as possible, he angrily approached the other driver, who was examining his own damage. The police officer asked, “That old lady says that you wouldn’t let her have her half of the road. Why not?
In exasperation, the man turns from his smashed car and says, “Officer, I would have been HAPPY to give her half of the road — if she had just let me know WHICH half she wanted!!!!”
Continue reading “19 November 2023 – Amusements”