Greg's Occasional News & Views
Part of my job as a 911 dispatcher is to interrogate callers who are in various states of panic so I can send the appropriate emergency equipment.
One day a woman called to say that a family member had fallen and needed to go to a hospital. After finding out where she lived and assuring her that the paramedics would arrive shortly, I asked her, “Do you know what caused the fall?”
“No,” the woman nervously replied. “What?”
Continue reading “18 December 2022 – Amusements”Perhaps I was a bit premature in “complaining” about the warm to mild autumn we’ve had hitherto. This week has been Freezio! It’s been cold, cold, cold. Indeed, as I glance out the window it is f**king snowing. I don’t remember signing up for this. You’ll no doubt be relieved to know that Penelope’s Avian Eatery has re-opened for the winter season and, to judge by the numbers demanding a table, it’s the hottest ticket in the neighbourhood. Daisy too is delighted – she hoovers up any fallen seed whenever she gets a chance.
Continue reading “11 December 2022”I think we’ve had these before . . .
A young Scottish lad and lassie were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, and just gazing out over the loch.
For several minutes they sat silently, then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, “A penny for your thoughts, Angus.”
“Well, uh, I was thinkin’ perhaps it’s aboot time for a wee kiss.”
The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
After a while the girl spoke again. “Another penny for your thoughts, Angus.”
“Well, uh, I was thinkin’ perhaps its aboot time for a wee cuddle.”
The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
After a while the girl spoke again. “Another penny for your thoughts, Angus.”
“Well, uh, I was thinkin’ perhaps its aboot time you let me poot me hand on your leg.”
The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her leg. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
After a while the girl spoke again. “Another penny for your thoughts, Angus.”
The young man knit his brow. “Well, now,” he said, “my thoughts are a bit more serious this time.”
“Really?” said the girl in a whisper, filled with anticipation.
“Aye,” said the lad.
The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.
Angus blurted out, “Din’na ye think it’s aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?”
Continue reading “11 December 2022 – Amusements”Well, the weather was tolerable, thanks for asking. We had a great few days in Dorset and the weather co-operated in the sense that it didn’t rain (much).
Continue reading “4 December 2022”When I was a 20-something college student, I became quite friendly with my study partner, a 64-year-old man, who had returned to school to finish his degree. He confessed, with a wink, that he had once thought more than friendship might be a possibility between us.
“So what changed your mind?” I asked him.
“I went to my doctor and asked if he thought a 40-year age difference between a man and woman was insurmountable. He looked at my chart and said, ‘You’re interested in someone who’s 104?!'”
Continue reading “4 December 2022 – Amusements”It’s been mainly “fresh” and wet and windy this week. Those kinds of days where it’s a joy to have a dog again so that one can trudge through the downpour and gale force winds twice a day. I met a neighbour walking her dog up Plumpton Lane the other day and I commented on how wet and miserable the weather was, “perfect for dog-walking,” I said. She agreed that it was miserable but went on to say she still wouldn’t be without her dog. I’m afraid she’s right.
Continue reading “27 November 2022”After years of wondering why he didn’t look like his younger sister or brother, a young man finally got up the nerve to ask his mother if he was adopted.
“Yes, you were son,” his mother said as she started to cry softly. “But it didn’t work out and they brought you back.”
Continue reading “27 November 2022 – Amusements”It’s been a fresh week – the balmy, tropical temperatures of the last few weeks have at last given way to what might be considered more “normal” temperatures for this time of year. We had a goodly quantity of rain on Tuesday and brilliant lovely bright blue skies on Wednesday but definitely cooler, which is no bad thing. Mowing lawns in November is just not right.
Continue reading “20 November 2022”Out in space two alien forms are speaking with each other.
The first spaceman says, “The dominant life forms on the earth planet have developed satellite-based weapons.”
The second alien, who looks exactly like the first, asks, “Are they an emerging intelligence?”
The first spaceman says, “I don’t think so. They have them aimed at themselves.”
Continue reading “20 November 2022 – Amusements”Yes, I think it’s fairly certain – Autumn is here. That’s not to say that we won’t get a heatwave sometime in the next week or so. But I hope the extensive lawn mowing I did during the week is the last for this season. What on earth are we doing having to mow lawns in November?
Continue reading “13 November 2022”