13 November 2022 – Amusements

A man was marooned on a desert island for five years. One day a beautiful woman arrived in a wet suit.

“When did you last have a smoke?” she asked.

“Five years ago,” said the man.

She pulled a Cuban cigar out of her wet suit and he smoked it.

She unzipped her wet suit a bit and asked, “When did you last have a drink?”

“Five years ago,” he said.

She pulled a bottle of 20-year-old Scotch out of her wet suit and gave it to the man who had a drink.

She unzipped her wet suit a bit more and said, “And when was the last time you played around?”

The man looked at her in amazement. “You’re not telling me you’ve got a set of golf clubs in there?”

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6 November 2022

Autumn has definitely arrived. After a long, slow, extraordinarily mild to warm few weeks, temperatures have been dropping and the leaves have almost finished scattering themselves to the four corners of the garden. Even a touch of ground frost the other morning, I am told by our resident early morning dog walker. I do quite enjoy the fresh feel of a crisp autumn day but the increasingly early arrival of darkness is a drag.

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6 November 2022 – Amusements

Every Friday afternoon, a mathematician goes down to the bar, sits in the second-to-last seat, turns to the last seat, which is empty, and asks a girl who isn’t there if he can buy her a drink.  

The bartender, who is used to weird university types, always shrugs but keeps quiet. But when Valentine’s Day arrives, and the mathematician makes a particularly heart-wrenching plea into empty space, curiosity gets the better of the bartender, and he says, “I apologize for my stupid questions, but surely you know there is NEVER a woman sitting in that last stool. Why do you persist in asking out empty space?”  

The mathematician replies, “Well, according to quantum physics, empty space is never truly empty. Virtual particles come into existence and vanish all the time. You never know when the proper wave function will collapse and a girl might suddenly appear there.”  

The bartender raises his eyebrows. “Really? Interesting. But couldn’t you just ask one of the girls who comes here every Friday if you could buy HER a drink? Never know –she might say yes.”  

The mathematician laughs. “Yeah, right — how likely is THAT to happen?”  

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30 October 2022 – Amusements

The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.  

“What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?” asked the officer.  

“I’m going to a lecture.”  

“And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?” the cop asked.  

“My wife.”  

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23 October 2022 – Amusements

Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one. On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish.  

He told the fish salesman, “Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you?”  

“Why do you want me to throw them at you?”  

“Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them.”  

“Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange roughy.”

“But why?”  

“Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to get the roughy. She prefers that for supper tonight.”  

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16 October 2022 – Amusements

This originally came from my father:

MURPHY’S OTHER LAWS

  • Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
  • A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
  • He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
  • A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
  • Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
  • Nothing is fool proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
  • The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.
  • It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.
  • The things that come to those who wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
  • Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
  • Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
  • The shin bone: a device for finding furniture.
  • When you go into court, you are putting yourself into the hands of 12 people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.
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