Greg's Occasional News & Views
No one is more cautious than a first-time parent. After our daughter was big enough to ride on the back of my bicycle, I bought a special carrier with a seat belt and got her a little helmet.
The day of the first ride I put her in the seat, double-checked all the equipment, wheeled the bike to the end of the driveway, carefully looked both ways and, swinging my leg up over the crossbar, accidentally kicked her right in the chin. Continue reading “17 April 2016 – Amusements”
There’s a little old Christian lady living next door to an atheist. Every morning the lady comes out onto her front porch and shouts “Praise the Lord!”
The atheist yells back, “There is no God.”
She does this every morning with the same result. As time goes on, the lady runs into financial difficulties and has trouble buying food. She goes out onto the porch and asks God for help with groceries, then says “Praise the Lord.”
The next morning she goes out onto the porch and there’s the groceries she asked for, and of course, she shouts “Praise the Lord!”
The atheist jumps out from behind a bush and says, “Ha, I bought those groceries – there is no God.”
The lady looks at him and smiles, she shouts “Praise the Lord, not only did you provide for me Lord, you made Satan pay for the groceries!” Continue reading “10 April 2016 – Amusements”
I know it’s old, but uncannily accurate . . .
One day The Lord came to Adam to pass on some news.
“I’ve got some good news and some bad news,” The Lord told him.
Adam looked at The Lord and said, “Well, give me the good news first.”
Smiling, The Lord explained, “I’ve got two new organs for you, one is called a brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and have intelligent conversations with Eve.”
“Wonderful!” Adam said. “Thank you. What is the second organ?”
“The other organ,” God continued, “is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children.”
Adam, very excited, exclaimed, “These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?”
The Lord looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, “The bad news is that when I created you, I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time….” Continue reading “3 April 2016 – Amusements”
As it’s Easter . . .
A Baptist pastor was presenting a children’s sermon.
During the sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was.
Asking questions during children’s sermons is crucial. Asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous.
After the pastor asked the children if they knew the meaning of the resurrection, a little boy raised his hand. The pastor called on him And the little boy said, “I’m not sure, but I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor.”
This sounds like me.
After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to touch her in ways he hadn’t in quite some time.
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then slid his hand across her shoulders and neck, slowly worked it down one side, then the other, stopping just over her lower stomach.
He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed downward again, working down her side, passed gently over and then in between her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, “That was wonderful. Why did you stop?”
“I found the remote,” he said. Continue reading “20 March 2016 – Amusements”
Have we had this before?
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favour?”
“Of course. What may I do for you?”
“Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the customs limits and I’m afraid they’ll confiscate it. Is there anyway you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?”
“I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.”
“With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.”
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare?”
“From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.”
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, “And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?”
“I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.”
Roaring with laughter, the official said, “Go ahead, Father. Next!” Continue reading “13 March 2016 – Amusements”
Have we had this before?
On the morning of her birthday, a woman told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond necklace. What do you think it means?”
“Maybe you’ll find out tonight,” he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. She ripped off the wrapping paper and found a book titled “The Meaning of Dreams.” Continue reading “6 March 2016 – Amusements”
This poor man is facing surgery on both his feet because of severe wounds. The doctor has warned him that he cannot tell how bad the damage is until he gets him in the operating room and he has prepared the man for the worst.
After surgery, the man is slowly waking up and he sees the surgeon approaching his bed. The doc looks at him and says, “I have good news and I have bad news – which would you like first?”
The man nervously responds, “Give me the bad news first.”
The doc says, “I had to take both your feet”
“Oh my, what could possibly be the good news?” says the man.
“The guy in the bed next to you wants to buy your slippers!” Continue reading “28 February 2016 – Amusements”
This past Sunday Mary Ellen and Elisabeth went to the 10:30 AM service and the new pastor was long winded and his sermon was quite long.
After the service was finally over, Mary Ellen said to Elisabeth, “The sermon was beautiful don’t you think?”.
Elisabeth replied “Oh yes it was, but a bit too long. Next week I’m bringing my cushion to sit on, these benches are too hard.”
She continued to say, “You know Mary Ellen at one point during the sermon I thought my butt went to sleep.”
Mary Ellen said, “I know, I heard it snore three times.” Continue reading “21 February 2016 – Amusements”
Son: Dad, I want to get married.
Father: First, tell me you’re sorry.
Son: For what?
Father: Say sorry.
Son: But for what? What did I do?
Father: Just say sorry.
Son: But…what have i done wrong?
Father: Say sorry!
Son: WHY?
Father: Say sorry!!
Son: Please, just tell me why?
Father: Say sorry!!!
Son: OK, Dad…I’m sorry!
Father: There! You’re finished training. When you learn to say sorry for no reason at all, then you’re ready to get married!
Continue reading “14 February 2016 – Amusements”