The Moreton Pinkney Picayune

18 January 2026 – Amusements

We’ve had a variation of this first one before . . .

A man wearing a MAGA baseball cap was seated next to a woman on an airplane. He turned to her and said, “Do you want to talk? Flights go more quickly if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”

The woman, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, “What would you want to talk about?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” said the man. “How about those children whose parents get them vaccinated becoming autistic.”

“Okay,” she said. “This could be an interesting topic but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?”

The man, visibly surprised by the woman’s question, thinks about it and says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.”

To which the woman replies, “Do you really feel qualified to discuss science and medicine, when you don’t know shit?”

11 January 2026

Oh my goodness, it’s been a bit “fresh” this week – freezing temperatures and even some snow! It’s made it a bit slippery on walks even though the frozen fields mean less or, in some cases, no mud on dog walks. Going up Plumpton Lane is a bit of an adventure but coming down even more so – an ice rink on a slope. Lovely.

11 January 2026 – Amusements

Many patients call the pathology group where I am office manager to discuss their medical bills. One irate woman demanded that I describe every laboratory test on her statement.

Reluctantly, I complied. Starting with the first test on her bill. I read, “No. 1, urinalysis.”

She interrupted me at once. “I’m a what?”

4 January 2026

Happy New Year to all you lovely people! Our New Year celebrations were similar to those we’ve enjoyed over recent years – in bed by the time New Year arrived in Mauritius or the Maldives. Which would be nicer to visit on NYE do you think?

4 January 2026 – Amusements

How to get to Heaven from Scotland

I was testing children in my Glasgow Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting into heaven. I asked them, “If I sold my house and my car, had a big jumble sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?”

“NO!” the children answered

“If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?”

Again, the answer was ‘No!’

By now I was starting to smile. “Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweets to all the children and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?”

Again, they all answered ‘No!’

I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued, “Then how can I get into heaven?”

A six year old boy shouted, “Ye got tae be fookin’ dead”

28 December 2025

It’s been a distinctly marvellous week – I hope your festivities, celebrations and gatherings were as joyful and satisfying as ours. Someone had a great birthday on Monday and then, on Thursday, we had to do it all over again!

28 December 2025 – Amusements

A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed.

Walking through the mall the surprised wife looked up and noticed her husband was nowhere around. She was very upset because they had a lot to do.

She pulled out her cell phone to call her husband to ask him where he was.

The husband, in a calm voice, said, “Honey, remember the jewelry store we went into oh, about five years ago, where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford, and I told you that I would get it for you someday?”

Her anger quickly vanished.

“Yes,” she said, starting to cry a little. “I remember that jewelry store.”

“Well,” he said, “I’m in the bar right next to that store.”

21 December 2025

It’s nearly time! I can hardly wait! Only a couple of days to go but there’s probably just about enough time to get a card into the post or order that perfect gift. Don’t delay though – whatever you’re sending needs to be here by first post tomorrow. In time for my birthday, of course – what did you think I was talking about?

21 December 2025 – Amusements

A Christmas Theme to all our Amusements this week. Have a wonderfully happy time.

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

“In honor of this holy season,” Saint Peter said, “You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.”

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on.

“It represents a candle,” he said.

“You may pass through the pearly gates,” Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, “They’re bells.”

Saint Peter said, “You may pass through the pearly gates.”

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, “And just what do those symbolize?”

The man replied, “They’re Carol’s.”

14 December 2025

As the Grinch in this household, I do have to concede that Ms Playchute has done a great job at Chistmasfying the household. We have a tree purchased from the local garden centre at an extortionate price – do we have tariffs on imports from Lapland? We also have a couple of strings of lovely red lights on the hedge outside and around the front door and some twinkly white lights strewn across the beam in the lounge festooned with bits of ivy. It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas.

Which reminds me – I must get some more wine in!